The Sacrament of Confession for the Queer and Scrupulous
An Exam of Conscience Guide for Catholic Rejects
PREFACE
People often ask me how to approach their first Confession in a while or how to go about Confession in a non-destructive way. This question usually comes from queer people or ‘lapsed’ Catholics. Likely, both. Look, I am no theologian, priest, or spiritual advisor. I am merely writing and sharing this to encourage people to rethink their outright repudiation of the Sacrament of Confession, or at the very least, have a healthier approach to an Exam of Conscience and learn how to stay away from scrupulosity and self-harming thought patterns, whilst welcoming mercy and grace in a new way.
The priest I went to for my first Confession in nearly a decade told me not to call it ‘Confession.’ He said it is an unnecessarily severe word that places your confessing, your action, in the forefront. Instead, he invited me to use the word ‘Reconciliation.’ Because forgiveness and relationships are two-way streets, including our relationship with God, the weight of this process is not on you alone. You are on the journey of reconciling, making amends, and starting anew, and God is with you through it all. Whether your sins feel enormous and unforgivable or petty and bothersome, forgiveness is possible. This is the true heart of the Sacrament. It isn’t a monologue of everything you’ve ever done wrong for the sake of it, but rather, a conversation. I think this is what is most misunderstood about Reconciliation. People often say, “Why would I confess to a priest, an equally sinful human, when I could go directly to God?”
I’ve always felt other Catholics answer this very petulantly. I do not care for apologetics but for the material expression of faith. The way I see it, Reconciliation exists the way it does because it fulfills a profoundly human need for companionship, community, reassurance, and physical-ritual acts to denote the abstract, invisible, and spiritual. People may have different preferences for how they purge guilt and make amends with God for their trespasses. Still, I find the catharsis of unloading your burden unto a willing ear to be very helpful and universal.
However, I do understand Catholic’s frustration with the question, “Why wouldn’t you just go directly to God?” The answer is evident to us: Everyone seeking a relationship with God should go directly to Him daily. For example, I am a fond promoter of the Ignatian Daily Examen, and I do my best to pray it daily in my personal life. That being said, I am of the belief that our penance cannot begin and end within our bedroom walls. Because our sins — the ways in which we ‘miss the mark,’ our selfishness, or how we cause harm to ourselves, our brethren, our neighbor, our environment, and Creation as a whole— will never begin and end within the walls of a single room. Thus, I argue that involving God in your life cannot be an individual task. We exist collectively. We live amongst each other; we laugh, share, eat, celebrate, and mourn together. In this process, we hurt one another, intentionally or not; therefore, I’m very inclined to believe forgiveness must also be sought out within human connection, which is why I personally like the Sacrament of Reconciliation.
There exists a caveat, though. If you’re going to Reconciliation for the first time in a while and you’re queer or have struggled with religious abuse in the past, I strongly advise you to research the priest who will be hearing your confession. You may not have access to an affirming priest, but you may find a sensitive one—a priest who prioritizes your safety and access to the Sacrament. One that genuinely understands their role in persona Christi, and will not overstep and take over as a judge. Reconciliation is not supposed to be a trial; there is no judge or jury here—only a loving parent who welcomes you home.
So, reach out to local LGBTQ+ Christian groups, and find other queer or queer-affirming Catholics. You can go to New Ways Ministry and find affirming parishes near you. There are also other organizations, like DignityUSA, Outreach, and the Network of Rainbow Catholics. So on, and so forth. If finding an affirming priest is impossible where you are, you can always look into their homilies or even their online presence. Perhaps you could attend some of their Masses to try to get a feeling of their character and consider if you’d feel comfortable with them.
You also are not forced to share your queer identity if it’s not relevant. In actuality, your confession must be brief and precise. Do not dwell on unnecessary details, name your sins in a straightforward manner, and do not seek excuses for your behavior. You may say, “Forgive me, Father, it’s been [x amount of time] since my last Confession,” and begin. If it’s your first time back in a while, know you can always ask the priest for guidance through the rite. I’m certain they’ll be beyond happy to help.
Another important thing to note is that Reconciliation is typically for what we call, ‘mortal sins.’ A mortal sin means a deep severing in your soul, caused by moments where you did something while knowing it was wrong and freely chose to do it anyway. If you accidentally did something wrong or did something while not being aware it was wrong, or even if you could not fully consent (perhaps by some type of coercion, or mental illness struggle, or a lack of free will in any way) to what was done, that could be considered a venial sin. Furthermore, depending on the situation, it may not be a sin at all. You could absolutely still bring a venial sin to the Confessional if you wanted, but they can also be forgiven through other means, such as repentance, prayer, and Communion.
The first step to Reconciliation is an Exam of Conscience. Even if you’re not Catholic or have no plans on visiting a confessional anytime soon (or ever), checking in with your conscience is integral to spirituality, repentance, and a relationship with the divine. Note that I said “checking in,” and not “obsessing over.” I am steadfast in the belief that Confession is something you can do at a maximum of once every two weeks. You cannot be Chidi Angonye from The Good Place; you cannot allow yourself to fall into a pattern of scrupulosity and obsession over morality.
Next, we will go through the Ten Commandments and explore what each implies about sin, what God wants for us, and our duties to each other and this Earth. I’ve formatted them as questions to ask yourself. You can rewrite them as statements and bring them to Reconciliation as an aid. You’ve got this!
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
I. I am the Lord your God: You shall not have strange Gods before me.
Do I allow myself to believe that my sins are more prominent than God’s mercy or God’s grace?
Do I rely solely on myself and not God?
Do I accept God’s will? Or do I expect God to do my will?
Do I turn to God only when I am in need?
Do I intentionally attempt to start and end each journey or day with prayer?
Do I go to Mass when it is expected of me? And when I am in Mass, do I allow myself to be mentally and spiritually there? Or do I allow myself to get needlessly distracted?
Do I allow myself to fall into hopelessness?
Have I committed sacrilege?
Have I put too much faith in or replaced God with something or someone? Whether knowingly or unknowingly. Do I swear unwavering fealty to a state, government, flag, politician, political party, company, enterprise, celebrity, authority figure, or idol?
Have I been selfish or arrogant? Have I allowed this to be, or have I worked on this?
Have I encouraged an obsession with worldly things detrimental to my relationship with God and my neighbor? (social media, work, money, pleasing societal expectations, vanity, binge-watching, doom-scrolling, excess gaming or reading, excess escapism…)
II. You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.
Do I use the name of God, the Virgin Mary, and the saints in vain? Have I been careless or disrespectful in my usage of God’s name?
Have I said God’s name with no respect or reverence? Have I blasphemed against God or the Virgin Mary?
Have I made unnecessary oaths to others, or God? Have I made oaths with no intent to keep them? Have I broken an oath to somebody, God, or even myself? Have I made false promises or broken a promise?
Have I used God or Scripture to cause harm, promote bigotry, or in some way communicate to someone that they are unworthy of God’s mercy or Love? Have I excused destructive and harmful behaviors by citing the Bible?
III. Remember to keep holy the Lord’s Day.
Have I intentionally avoided attending Mass due to laziness? Do I seek to arrive on time? Have I avoided taking the Sacrament for longer than a year?
Have I rested enough? Have I listened to my body’s weariness, respected my sleeping time, sleep hygiene, and downtime, and practiced self-care? Have I checked up on those I love and those who love me? Have I made space for them? Have I made space for myself? Have I been a workaholic?
IV. Honor your father and mother.
Have I been neglectful of my family?
Have I been disrespectful, discourteous, unkind, or mean to my elders? or younglings?
Do I often cause tension or fights in my family?
Do I care for my disabled, elderly, ill, or young family members? (Physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc.)
Have I been disobedient of the reasonable demands of my family?
Have I been a caring sibling, child, parent, or friend (etc.)?
Am I respectful of my family’s space, privacy, and boundaries? Do I, in turn, communicate and stand up for my own?
Do I hold unnecessary and petty grudges?
V. You shall not kill.
Have I physically injured someone? Have I emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually injured someone? And if I did something grave, have I accepted and faced the consequences of my actions?
Have I put others in harm's way? (For example, by driving recklessly, under the influence, or texting while driving.)
Have I been a bully? Have I used abusive language against someone?
Have I given somebody the cold shoulder or the ice treatment?
Have I wished evil on someone? Do I deliberately harbor mean and revengeful thoughts on others? Have I taken pleasure in people’s misfortunes?
Have I led anyone into harming others or themselves?
Have I taken revenge?
Have I self-harmed in any kind of way? Have I taken suicide lightly? Am I taking the available and proper steps to take care of my psychological needs?
VI. You shall not commit impure acts.
Have I been faithful to my spouse/partner?
Do I put informed consent first, above anything else?
Have I engaged in harmful sexual behavior? Have I used sex as a weapon, or as a way to self-harm? Have I ever overstepped my own boundaries regarding sex?
Do I practice safe sex? Have I been diligent in my sexual health and that of my partner(s)? Have I gotten tested regularly? Have I had open conversations about STIs and STDs?
Have I been inappropriate and overstepped other people’s boundaries either by word or action? Have I ever not sought someone’s consent? If I did something grave, have I accepted and faced the consequences of my actions?
Have I ever done sexual acts with someone who could not consent?
Have I consumed pornography uncritically of the industry’s ethics? Do I care about sex workers and their rights?
VII. You shall not steal.
Have I stolen what isn’t mine? Have you taken something without necessity?
Have I plagiarized something?
Have I been greedy? Do I prioritize money over others' or my well-being?
Do I pay my debts responsively?
Do I always seek to help others with their necessities when I can do so?
Have I unnecessarily bought from companies or people with evident dubious ethics without a care of where my money is going?
Have I gambled excessively?
Do I litter? Am I careless about my consumption and the environment? Am I stealing future generations’ right to a clean and healthy planet?
Do I back policies that do not have all peoples’ best interest in mind? Am I, thus, stealing others’ autonomy and rights? Do my politics forfeit the lives and future of others?
Does my lack of fulfillment of my responsibilities negatively impact others? Do my co-workers have to pick up where I lack, and does that mean they are not being compensated fairly for their labor?
If an employer: Do I pay my employees fairly? Do I treat them fairly? Do I put profit over their needs?
If you’re in school and not responsible for your tuition: Do I disregard my studies? Do I try my best to be a good student and learn?
VIII. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
Have I lied?
Have I been hurtful and tactless in the way I say the truth?
Have I gossiped? Have I spoken poorly behind someone’s back?
Have I shared reactionary positions? Have I spread misinformation?
Am I uncharitable and overly critical of others?
Have I ever handed in someone for doing something necessary for their own survival?
IX. You shall not covet your neighbor’s wife.
Are you staying loyal to your spouse/partner?
Are you respectful of others' relationships?
X. You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods.
Do I consent to envious thoughts?
Am I jealous of others? Do I envy others’ success, relationships, talents, skills or belongings?
Do I put material possessions above anything else?
Do you value perceived status over goodness and taking care of your and other’s needs?
Conclusion
“When they kept on questioning him [Jesus], he straightened up and said to them, “Let anyone among you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.” And once again he bent down and wrote on the ground. When they heard it, they went away, one by one, beginning with the elders; and Jesus was left alone with the woman standing before him. Jesus straightened up and said to her, “Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?” She said, “No one, sir.” And Jesus said, “Neither do I condemn you. Go your way, and from now on do not sin again.” — John 8:7-11[NRSVCE]
Only you and God know the things that weigh heavy on your soul. Some of you may disagree with the way I have phrased some of these questions, or the interpretations I have decided to bring up, and the ones I have decided not to include. But that’s yours to wrestle with, and I do not wish to hear your discontent.
This illustration is my take on the Divine Mercy. This is Jesus as He appeared in the visions of a Polish nun called St. Faustina Kowalska in 1931. I recommend you read through it; I will leave a resource in the bibliography. Among different recorded quotes, St. Faustina records Jesus saying: “I am Love and Mercy itself. When a soul approaches Me with trust, I fill it with such an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within itself, but radiates them to other souls.” (Diary, 1074)
“…Let the weak, sinful souls have no fear to approach Me, for even if it had more sins than there are grains of sand in the world, all would be drowned in the unmeasurable depths of My mercy.” (Jesus to St. Faustina; Diary, 1059)
My final advice is to surrender yourself to the Divine Mercy. Like St. Faustina Kowalska, see God as your merciful Creator, not your judge. Christ does not condemn you. You are not your sins. You have the possibility to start anew. God is with you.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
I want to express my utmost gratitude to my beta readers: Thank you, Kat!!! Thank you, Niamh Marie (thegospelofjudas)!!! Thank you, Nyx (catholicsapphic)!!! Thank you all for your advice, wisdom, experience, and support. I am so beyond grateful for your help.
Thanks also to everyone on Tumblr who offered to beta-read this piece during the famously Most Hectic time of year. You are all so appreciated. Thank you!
Finally, thank you to my Patrons for being the reason I am able to spend time on passion projects such as this one.
God bless you all!